An Open letter to Gathoni Wa Muchomba

Madam Wa Muchomba I have watched your interview six times so that you know how serious this is.

My favorite movie is the Pirates of the Caribbean series and I have only repeated it four times. A lot of Kenyans voted for you to be in that position. It looks like you have forgotten how many, I will remind you; 924,142 votes, that's what you got.

All these Kenyans from Kiambu County thought that they were voting for a responsible fellow citizen. But, do you know what you did? You straight out annoyed them. It's barely a month since you got your certificate and you are advocating for good pay for what you have achieved and who you are.

For the mere reason of argument, what have you achieved in those few days that you were elected? Kindly tell us. Pride comes before a fall but I think yours came even before you started walking. As a resident of the great Kiambu County, I am ashamed and feel really let down.

The interviewer even tried to reason with you and told you that it was not your salary that was been cut but your allowance, but you couldn't listen to him. Why do you have to be paid extra? To add salt to injury you said that you have to get more money so that you feel good about yourself.

Feel good, really? Just resign and get another job. You are not supposed to feel good; you are supposed to make the people of Kiambu County feel good about where they live by solving their issues.

Kenya is only 54 years old but our legislators earn more than any other in the whole world. We are a striking nation, teachers, nurses, doctors, universities you name it.

You should call a press conference or go back to the station where you made those mundane and unpatriotic comments and ask the people of Kiambu to forgive you.

Lastly, if you don't think you can do this, It is the high time you get yourself rich and fast because clearly you did not get that post with the people in mind, and I don't think you will ever be elected back there. Re-read this letter after five years.

Dubai chronicles: My first week in Dubai

My initiation into life in Dubai is somewhat a pricking thorn in my mind. It gave me a different perception of humanity. Actually a different perception of Kenyans and to be more specific a somewhat strange perception of Kenyan ladies.

I came to Dubai a few years ago to seek greener pastures like everyone else I was fortunate enough to get an interview and in the  first week of arrival. I then had to find my way to the interview (some place called JLT), with uttermost confidence and clad in my only Italian suit then(i have 3 more now), I found my way to the metro (I was advised its the cheapest and best way of transport). At the Metro station it took 3 minutes for the metro to arrive and we all got in all and sundry. Asians,Indians, Europeans all colors and creed. It was like a mini world of its own carrying a number of different nationalities all in their quest to get an honest living (well some might have been dishonest but who cares). There is always that feeling that is like a wonderful satisfactory inch in the eye when you see a fellow black person in a foreign country and its even orgasmic if the person is from your country.

There she stood folks.Like a flower among thorns chocolate in complexion(a chocolate lily or rose), her voluptous cornucopia (sasa hapa dictionaries lazima) arousing the man in me. Her bossom was very relaxing to look at and her lips formed a pout where they converged. Her legs were shapely and led to two very full (according to Ngugi wa Thiong'o "baby bearing") hips. Despite her form my gaze went to her fingers,(at this point I heard the now famous metro P.A system in arabic saying " *&%$%*%$@@#$###  Ittihad" that was the union station and it was my first stop to take a connecting line). I crossed my fingers and cursed the gods, old and new for this.Why would they separate me from such a wonderful creature? such a wonerful view?  But little did I know the best was yet to come. As the metro came to a stop and I disembarked I recalled my wife Sofia back home in Kenya and decided she was better for me. Besides this lady with well manicured nails,a coconut bossom and who walked like a duck would not match Sofia in making chapatis.

To my astonishment when I got to the elevator, I saw her a few paces infront of me (still striding like a duck because of her big behind. I reminisced of Donald duck in the good old days. Days when my brain hymen had not been broken by the world ). To my utter surprise she happened to be going my way. I said the Lords prayer and and emphasised on "...lead me not into temptation..." As the second part of the journey started I put my thoughts to more important and intellectual things(like wondering what the guys building Burj Khalifa were standing on...). At the final stop I came out of the metro with a smile and started meditating on interview questions. I did not know what side of the metro station I should exit from so I had to ask someone. As fate should have it, looking behind me it was her again this time on her phone (chatting with one of her girlfriends I presume from her coes,caws and shrieks) Something caught my eye right at that moment she had a bracelet on her hand. Not any other bracelet but a kenyan flag bracelet.

Good I said to myself atleast I can ask her for directions right? I mean what would go wrong? I gathered my scout boy confidence and approached her (remember am going to ask for directions ONLY). Excuse me.... Excuse me... (she signals me with finger in the air I think to wait. I dont speak finger language but the gentleman in me kept my cool and waited. After all I am the one in need) Here goes our conversation:

Me: Excuse me, you are Kenyan right?
her: (looking at me like a witch) how did you know?
Me: (I am a genius) well the bracelet on your arm
her: (ignoring that and greening like a green gecko coz of the lipstick on her lips) What do you want?
Me: would you kindly show me where to exit from if I am going to.....
her: I have a boyfriend....(and she resumed her duck walk and left)

At this point I did not understand how my asking for directions affected her relationship with the boyfriend. I failed to understand how the conversation went downhill from such an honest and innocent inquiry. To cut a long story short I found my way to the interview and to my surprise she was the receptionist...(The good news is that I got the job and everyone is nice) to date every time I walk into the office the shame in her face makes me want to dance Azonto right away. Yesterday I told her to say hi to her boyfriend as she was leaving and she started crying. Apparently the boyfriend left her a week later since the metro station incident...."watu wasalimiange watu hata mabwana huibiwa".... to be continued...


Ken Kibiru

Mugomo wa waalimu and the devil within

"Goma" is a swahili word meaning downing the tools or not doing what one is supposed to do or as is tradition what they ought to do. In the recent weeks the Kenyan teachers have been in our headlines as they have refused to go to work unless their demands are met: a 50% pay rise. It has been a battle of wits and guts as the teacher’s union secretary general "Onion sauce" I mean Sossion has portrayed what any other leader would do, not budging to pressure until the teacher’s plight has been met. I remember when we were in school we had coined a name for this kind of sacrifice and it was "kukufia team" or "dying for the team" as it would be directly translated. This made the president of the republic adamant and he decided to show them how powerful he was and with this came the powerful phrase "we can’t and we won’t pay"

An Englishman once said that it takes two to "Tango" and currently with not a single spark to decency the battle between the Kenyan government and the teachers has been adulterated by the opposition who have vested interests to it.

A drowning man will clutch on a straw and as is typical of any opposition in the world we saw the not so bright side of the CORD coalition. Whoever is advising the coalition should hand back his degree to the university that he came from. For them to actually come up with the idea of fundraising to get funds to pay teachers it shows just how lack of intellect and creativity can affect a nation.

18 billion Kenyan shillings was the amount to be raised and 100,000 Kenyan shillings was the first contribution by the CORD principal. That is less than 0.1 % of the total expected amount the mathematicians can attest to that. I am yet to hear a word from the teachers to support the move I guess it’s because they are brighter than all this politicians and are actually embarrassed that they passed through their classes for lessons. A great disappointment is what it is.

So a few days after the declaration of the Mpesa paybill number and after realizing the satirical approach that they had employed, it dawned on them and they changed the story. The monies collected will now be used to pay legal fees for the teachers. The legal fees in question had already been paid and the crème de la crème of the top senior counsels had been acquired for this. So where will this money go?

I started by saying "Goma" is a swahili word. On the other hand it is also a native word in a number of indigenous Bantu tribes all over Africa meaning the "devil". It is the high time that we put our country in prayer as our enemy "goma" is roaming looking for someone to devour. Let’s also pray that the Teachers, Government and the courts will come to an amicable solution and resume teaching. "Fahali wawili wakipigana nyasi ndio huumia" our children are suffering intellectually.

Let Women be

So I have been recently keeping quiet and pretending, I have tried to hide my face in the ground and pretend that nothing is happening. But I can do it no more they have done it again. This nin con poops masquerading as "diligent" men of the society have done it again.

My grandmother has a framed picture in her living room, the year was 1973 exactly ten years after independence she is wearing a mini-skirt her friends are also in different pictures in the house dressed elegantly in the same manner, their hair were well flattened with a hot comb, the other half that maketh me refer to it as a "giciini" a story for another day. So this stupid hoi pollois for lack of a better word  have decided to be fashion cops and way lay ladies on the streets like hungry hyenas and put their filthy hands on them to undress them ("kae mutoe ngai", don't you know God?)

What actually brings bile to my mouth is the fact that even after this heinous act being highlighted on national television,even after a demonstration by Kenyans(note not women but Kenyans) this mad men still have the audacity of  repeating this. (That's why I have actually concluded that they are insane)

For a fully fledged man ( by fully fledged I mean one who can actually enhance the biological process of conception ), born of a woman, and one with the ability to profess some amount of feelings towards the opposite sex, to strip a woman and have not even an atom of conscience in them it shows a broken society. A broken people with broken morals. Infact the homo habilis did not live like this they had more values. If you really want to justify the stripping of ladies then undress those young boys who live nothing to imagination when they show us their behinds sagging their trousers So low that it's a hindrance to their walking. Strip them and we will say that you are morally upright.

All is not lost though and my reason for saying this is justified. If you look at the areas where this is happening something common is that they are inhabited by a people who have refused to think. A people who have shoved their brains in their pockets literally. Am not saying that all touts are bad but if even the good ones allow this to happen then where are we headed?

Would you undress your mother? Would you undress your sister? Would you undress your wife? ( well the last one is rhetorical don't answer) but if you wouldn't do all that in public then don't do it to anyone. A word to the ladies now as much as you want people to respect you please try and dress appropriately. There is an old Greek proverb that says "you show what you want to share". So please watch your dressing .

I have been writing this piece in a matatu. I have gotten home now and since i do not want to be stripped also I will take a Bodaboda to the house. Have a strip less week.

By Ng'ang'a kibiru

Kenyans and Ka'drink

I have always “admired” the zeal at which Kenyans adore the drink. Kenyans will go hungry for days but still have their drink come Friday, the weekend or in some cases DDO’s (daily drinking officers).  I believe I would be right if I said that 70% of deaths in Kenya are related to the bottle. Mostly it Is either a road accident, an alcohol related disease, stress etc. Recently in Central province in a small center called Gathiga young ladies were demonstrating, due to the fact that nursery schools were being shut down in the area. This they said was as a result of lack of children to go to the schools. These stories disturbingly have been replicated in other major parts of the country. Instead of the men gracing their matrimonial beds in the night, they live in the drinking dens and some of them come home in the wee hours of the morning and sleep all day. (Gone be the dream of baba Jimmy of a working Nation) going back to the same dens in the evening for the same cycle.

As if this is not painingly enough we have nurtured a police and administration service that has wolves and vultures in their midst. Many are the times Wananchi have put their lives at risk and reported the illegal water holes in villages and estates, only for them to be disappointed because the officers go in and come out with bulging pockets. The aftermath of this is a slowly dying society.

During the ancient times when our country comprised of small villages and culture was the norm of the day, Drinking of brews by young people was unheard of. This was left to the old men in the society. Nowadays it is not a public spectacle to see half naked infants in skin hugging pants staggering on the streets on weekends. As if this is not enough you will hear them singing loudly to very obscene tunes. To me the problem at hand is not only illegal alcohol but control of alcohol as a whole.

If you think this is not a problem for Kenyans hope this will wake your mind. It took four terrorists four days in Westgate to inhumanly kill 65 Kenyans but it only took a week to kill more than one hundred Kenyans using a drink. Do your math. Alcohol in Kenya is worse than terrorist attacks.

It is the high time that whoever is advising the government on policy issues gets their head out of the sand and come up with a solution for this menace.

The Quran does not justify Killing of innocents

On the night of 24^th march 2014 sleep was an alien vocabulary for me. This was after watching a very disturbing feature on TV. A church in Likoni had been invaded and the death toll was at four and rapidly rising. As if that was not enough here was an article with some Muslim clerics justifying the death of the faithful’s in the church as if they were sheep for slaughter. In fact one SHEIKH Abubakar Sharif alias Makaburi, had the guts to say that a siege where more than seventy people had been killed (the worst of its kind in the country since another terror attack in 1998) was justified.

If I did not know better I would directly pay for his check up in Mathare hospital or better still do a harambee for Makaburi to go to a psychiatrist hospital. Why do I say this? All religious books have teachings or in the Muslim context Hadith’s that refer to aggression in terms of attack. "Put your sword back in its place," Jesus said to him, "for all who draw the sword will die by the sword. Mathew 26:52. In the same way, “The religion of Islam doesn't teach Muslims to take revenge from anyone. Yes, Islam does command the Muslims to repel evil with good and to forgive and forget.”
'A good action and a bad action are not the same. Repel the bad with something better and, if there is enmity between you and someone else, he will be like a bosom friend?' (Holy Qur'an 41:34)

I can quote as many verses as anyone may want me to but the basic fact still remains. The killing of innocent civilians is unjustifiable. If the reason posed for attacking churches and malls in Kenya is the KDF being in Somalia, then let them put their money where their mouth is and try attacking a military barracks. Then and only then we will know that they are not cowards.

My second appeal is to the government of Kenya and his Excellency the president of the republic. Hon. Uhuru Kenyatta. Mr. President I will go straight to the point, INNOCENT Kenyans are dying and if this trend continues we are brewing a religious war that will throw the country into shambles. My kinsmen have always said that you can never put a finger in a leopard anus, as that would make it angry. The majority of Kenyans are burning inside and the trend is now worse. Even the musicians are singing it, after all is said and done a lot is said but nothing will be done.

To cup it all I think it is a scenario of post-humors debasement when the cabinet secretary for security was in Mombasa on Saturday and heftily addressed the insecurity and terrorism situation; and I quote "Terrorism continues to grow in shape, color and behavior and when it assumes the phase of radicalization ... it will be met (with) full force,” then on the following day a Sunday a church is attacked. If this is not mockery someone needs to give me a better term.

All the religious books have quoted some minor clauses on revenge but the same books have also dictated the right way of doing things and the unconventional way. The attacks in the coast have been castigated by malicious radicals who would rather read half the Quran and justify their actions, than read the whole of it and live in harmony. No one should be killed because of their religious affiliations.  That would be taking this country backwards and professing the blindness of the Dodo.

BY

Kenneth Kibiru

EXPLODING LIGHT BULBS!!!

Animals sometimes enter into a state of an apparent paralysis something we can also refer to as animal hypnosis. This situation is mostly experienced when the animal is extensively provoked and is in a defensive mode against exterior threats or when they are plain helpless. This phenomenon is known as tonic immobility.

The Kenyan security agencies seem to have been grasped by a tonic immobility in the recent past. This unfortunately will be at the expense of ignorant and innocent Kenyans. I was vastly perturbed when I recently watched an investigative article in one of the local TV stations on the security situation in the country. “Terrorist’s playground” as was the title of the feature. A well-researched feature on the lax state of our security agencies.

In a country where bulbs fall from the ceiling and explode in a dustbin, a country where mattresses explode, I applaud what was done. A bag was left in a crowded public place for over 4 hours and when the 999 emergency number was called and informed on the issue they took it lightly. Lightly I say because two hours later nothing had been done and whoever was on the other side of the line went to the extent of lying that they had sent patrol officers to the scene.

Another bag was left unattended in an airport for hours, less than 5 meters from a police officer and he did not raise even an eyebrow. For this reason I personally believe if our officers are not lazy then their training is inadequate. If this two reasons do not add up then the only sane explanation would be that they have been bewitched. That in itself is however a story for another day.

There has been a lot of mixed reactions on this article with some Kenyans saying that it can be used against the country by terrorists to orchestrate an attack. However I believe that failure to plan is already a plan to fail. If we care about our own security we should bring the house down, clean the wounds that are not healing and start afresh. Instead of seeing the negativity of the exposure, we should recommend ways to better the system. I personally applaud the investigative team at NTV led by Dennis Okari for the great work. For a people who are free, and who mean to remain so, a well-organized and armed militia is their best security. In our case the national police service is our armed militia, so let them do what is necessary by all means necessary to ensure our safety. Then and only then will we dwell in UNITY, PEACE and LIBERTY.

BY NG’ANG’A  KIBIRU